Learning to Develop Relationships More Intelligently

by Jim Cathcart

Stage Four in Creating High-Value Relationships (the Relationship Intelligence System) is:

Learning to Develop Relationships More Intelligently

Creating High-Value Relationships

Relationships evolve in stages from New Acquaintance through Close Friend or Business Partner.
As we progress the trust increases and information sharing expands.

The more we know about each other the more ways we can find to be of value. As my philosopher friend, Kevin Buck says, “Trust is a fruit.” You can’t grow the fruit, only the plant can do that. But you can nurture the plant and it will produce the fruit in its own time.

In order to make progress we need to focus, not on building trust but, first on reducing relationship tension. We don’t have direct access to trust but we do have the ability to reduce fears, worries and anxiety. Then the trust will grow.

So the first step in any relationship is to take an interest in the concerns of the other person and show that you are not a threat.
Once they discover that they can relax with you then their tension drops and trust grows.

If you want people to become interested in you, first take a sincere interest in them.
Learn not just to listen to others but to actually hear and understand what they are communicating.

There are three essentials for any relationship, whether it is with customers, colleagues or supervisors.

These are: Commitment, Open Communication and Clear Agreements.

1. Both parties must be committed to making the relationship successful. Nobody can bear the full burden alone.
2. Communication must be open and frequent. The truth must be told always and bad news must travel fastest of all.
3. Both parties must know what the others expect from them. Clear agreements are essential.

It is important to go back to the Inner Circle and examine the three essentials in each of the relationships. This will tell you exactly what “homework” is needed in order to enhance that relationship and access its full potential value. Once you have assessed each relationship in this way, helicopter up again and look at the patterns of missing “essentials” among all of the relationships. That will show you both the obvious and the hidden systems by which this group operates.

For example: if you find that most of your relationships show a one sided commitment, the solution may be in rethinking how you establish your relationships and how clearly you articulate the value others will get from connecting with you. If your communication isn’t open enough in most relationships then a new skill for listening and expressing may be needed. If you have numerous conflicts and missed expectations then perhaps you need to improve your skills at negotiation and clarifying agreements.

Another way to look at the development of relationships more intelligently is Modus Operandi, the Latin term for mode or style of operation.

In every situation we have the choice of being passive or active, of knowing more or less. By observing these two dimensions you can see what Mode a person is in:
Passenger, Navigator, Driver or Leader.

For example: when I get on an airplane for a trip I assume both the literal and figurative “Passenger” mode. My knowledge and awareness as to how to fly the plane is very low and my actions to influence the outcome are simply compliance with the instructions I receive. I take my seat, store my luggage and follow directions.
If a problem arises then I will increase my performance by looking for ways to help and I’ll seek more knowledge by asking the flight attendant what is wrong and how I might help. If the flight attendant appears to not be in control then I will take further action by seeking information from one of the crew. And if the plane itself seems to be out of control then I’d be willing to take the pilot’s seat if necessary and do my best to land the plane. In other words, my Mode of Operation (MO) would change as the situation changed.

The same dynamics appear in all situations. And by reading the situation you can determine the appropriate MO to assume.
In a meeting you might be in Passenger mode (low awareness, low performance) until you are called on to make a report. Then you’d operate from high awareness (telling what you know) and somewhat higher performance (as you presented your report.) This is called Navigator mode. If the chairperson left the room and asked you to facilitate the rest of the meeting you’d be in Driver mode, high performance and low awareness. You would not be controlling the meeting’s content, you’d simply be facilitating the input from others. Assuming the meeting went well, you might be asked to chair the next meeting. In that case, once you had prepared well, you would be in Leader mode; high awareness and high performance.

By the way, you cannot assume a higher mode without acquiring the element that defines it. You can't move from Passenger to Navigator without increasing your awareness and knowledge. You can't move from Passenger to Driver without increasing your performance. And you can't move into Leader mode without increasing both awareness and performance. You can, however, choose to operate in a different mode temporarily if moving from higher to lower on the scales.

How to use MO with others

When you encounter another person in any of these modes you can determine by their MO how to best guide them to the next level of operation.
If their awareness is low, they need education.
If their performance is low, they need motivation.
Without the right combination of those two, things would go awry. Someone with low awareness is not ready to Lead or Navigate (Advise). Someone with low performance is not ready to Drive or Lead. Someone in Driver mode doesn’t need motivation, they’d just burn out. What they need is education so that they are working smarter, not harder. There is much more to this, but you no doubt get the point. Determine one’s MO and you know whether you need to educate or motivate or simply support them in what they are doing.

Without purpose this all just becomes a process.

As I had mentioned earlier, each relationship needs a Desired Outcome, even if it is simply a casual acquaintance. This does not mean that you have to become mercenary in your dealings with others. It simply means that you need to begin to notice why each relationship matters to you.

The more we are able to see, the more intelligent we can be.

Take a look at all the relationships in your life. Just make a list of as many as you can think of. Then put them into categories that make sense to you. These might be: colleagues, club members, coworkers, team members, close family, extended family, neighbors, prospective customers, clients, mentors, teachers, "play-mates", etc. Some people will fit into multiple categories and that is worth noting.

Once you have all of them listed and coded as to their groups, take some time to simply reflect on what you see. Just casually look over your lists and see what you notice.

What happens for many people is that they begin to see opportunities. They remember things they had forgotten to follow up on. They notice how they could be of service to some of them. At this point you will want to start making notes and "to do" lists for activating these relationships in new and meaningful ways. Many of them will have no commercial implications to you, others will matter a great deal to you financially. Just notice more and start taking intelligent actions.

Devise a method for keeping this information in front of you. Don't just file it away, make it an active part of each day. Take a few moments each day to reflect on the implications and opportunities in all of your relationships.

Then develop a "Shopping List" of new relationships you'd like to form. Keep a list of names and titles of people who you would benefit from knowing better. Review the list every week and keep your radar tuned to opportunities to be more intelligent in your cultivation of relationships.

In the Spirit of Growth,

Jim Cathcart
copyright 2008 Jim Cathcart